The Noob Effect

Over time it seems many people have forgotten the most important ingredient to a good gaming experience; the good game. And by 'Game', I'm not referring to shader effects, high polygon counts, compelling story(Or any other of the irrelevant nonsense I don't give a submarining fuck about), I mean the actual game play, the part where you control stuff, then have it interact with other stuff, and then your brain generates FUN. If I wanted a compelling story, I'd read a book. There's only a few million of them already in existence, the majority of which are written by people who's talents compare to the best video game writers the same way Kobe Bryant's penis might compare to that of a poorly endowed titmouse. If enduring 90 minutes of CGI cut scenes dubbed with pornography grade voice acting sounds exciting to you, I suggest you immediately navigate your web-browser to your neighborhood torrent site and start downloading something called a 'Movie'. Any of them will do really, because apparently you're very easily satisfied.

Perhaps I'm romanticizing the past here, but I remember a time when most games were about being challenge to explore new game play mechanics, about learning and solving new puzzles, about improving your skills against all types of adversaries, and about feeling proud of your accomplishments. Now the mostly shiny particle effected vessels guiding any soccer-mom caliber gamer through a generic third grade level story where anyone with a brain the size of a steroid shrunk testicle can pretend to be a HERO, and maintain a fantasy of not sucking balls at video games!

"But I need a reason for what I'm doing, motivation for my character, a back story!"

Would you really need a back story to play Donkey Kong, you twat? How about football? or poker? If the process of of playing a game isn't fun for you, well maybe you're not a GAMER?? Of course, not to sound unappreciative of all my free kills in CoD4, but lately I've become rather miffed at the notion that this overwhelming number of noobs has negatively influences the direction of video game design for ever. Instead of humanity pursuing the development of the next chess, we have an endless supply of 8 hour long interactive B-movie experiences, at 60 dollars a pop, with unimaginatively reskinned sequels announced exactly 3 seconds after the current product is launched.

Congratulations noobs, you've effectively raised an army of consumer gaming zombies who conveniently seem to lack not only artistic standards, but aposable thumbs. I'd be inclined to look the other way and ignore the thumbless zombie parade, but these bungling poor sports have the audacity to hate on GOOD gamers. The gamers who play games for GAME PLAY. And so we're subjected to the endless abuse of idiotic whiners.

"Fag", "Hacker", "Imbalabance!".

But the truth is, the only imbalance is coming from your underdeveloped inner ear, you uncoordinated ball of gay! I'm truly sorry you got your clumsy ass kicked around in gym class like a hacky sack in the 1980s, but that's no reason to be a bitch while I'm kicking your virtual ass in Super Smash Brothers Brawl(Button Masher?). And even more infuriating than the consumer zombie noobs, are the ones whose jobs involve playing video games and then critiquing them for mass public consumption. These champions of mob mentality shouldn't bother me since I've grown rather accustomed to unqualified nitwits performing undeserved jobs, accept within gaming media circles(IGN, 1UP), being a noob is some kind of fucking prerequisite. I know going through life with the lack of a pin script must be frustrating, but calling a three hour single player experience the height of game design, and comparing the dialog in GTA4 to that of the Godfather is nothing less than ABSOLUTELY RETARDED.

Here's the unpleasant truth; You're teachers lied to you when they said that anyone, even you, could become an astronaut. Some people are just naturally better at certain things than others(Indeed). There's something called talent. No matter how hard I try I'll never paint a Mona Lisa, or invent the quantum computer. No matter how hard you try you'll never finish Contra without cheating. Many people have a genuine desire to challenge themselves to be better. This does not make them alien or cruel, and certainly not "Fags". It just makes them good gamers. It's no reason to resent them. So the next times you think you can beat the GOOD gamers if "I just played as much as them", think again; All the basketball training in the world won't help your pudgy 5 foot ass into the NBA, just like all the Star Craft training in the world couldn't prevent Pok Sun Joon from sticking his golden mouse up your ass.