Blame it all on the Structures of the Sun

It's ridiculously hot out.

So, I once had a really close friend. His name was Ben.

Ben and I used to be so tight, that I considered him a brother. Due to some juvenile shit, we stopped talking.

Basically, the story goes, Ben and I become best friends in high school. After high school we decide maybe we should live together. Many people asked me to move in with them, and I had to make a decision... For convenience, I moved in with my friend Kris. At the time too, Ben was getting on peoples' nerves.. He was kinda cocky and loud. I remember while I was trying to find a place, I stayed at Jon's house for a while. He was in Scotland, and I had just begun working at a Tech Support agency for HP, so I lived with his mom in his absence. Ben asked me to see if Jon's mom would let him stay there too, but she had hated Ben for reasons of her own, and immediately said no. He was pretty upset at me for not trying harder to help him. This was the first time Ben and I stopped talking for a while. Then, one day we ran into each other back in Hope. We both apologized immediately for acting so stupid and became friends again. Then, as time moved forward, it became apparent that Ben was into my girlfriend of 1 year. This I didn't like and I slowly started to stop talking to him over it... At this point in time, almost all of my friends except me hated Ben for whichever reason. Jeff, Jason, Jon, Chris, Kris, Caitlin, all didn't like him being around. The last straw for me was when Caitlin told me Ben approached her saying he really liked her, told her that I was overall a bad friend, that our relationship was soon to turn sour, and that she should go with him and not me. He tried to steal my girlfriend! I just decided to cut off contact with him, and began to hate him for it; Though really, I hated the fact that our friendship was ruined by stupid shit, and that I couldn't even talk to the guy who was closer to me than most all of my actual siblings, and that it was my own fault.

I've left a lot of the story out, but that's the jist of it.

Since he tried to take the girlfriend of the time, I haven't even spoke to him. I've seen him at FNM tournaments a few times, but that was it, never a word between us.

Thing is, months back I realized a few things. The first was that I was angry at him for trying to get with Caitlin.. But really, she's an incredible girl. Were he dating her, and I the friend, I probably would have done the same thing... As bad as it is to say. So after all this, I can't and won't even hold it against him. The second is that I need to apologize to him, for being such a bad friend at certain intervals of our friendship. There's no reason for any of it. Because everyone else despised him in one way or another, it was easy for me to just do the same, even when I knew I could never actually hate Ben.

He was at times a complete and utter fag; Loud, obnoxious, confrontational, arrogant, annoying; I was just the same. I think now that we're older and more mature, that it would be worth it to talk out this shit. We're not juveniles anymore.

Since my break up with Caitlin in Winter, I've been hovering over sending him an email, just to give a bit of an apology, and see what's going on in his life. We've grown apart for more than a year and a half at this point.

Before I move on, I must tell of what happened to me late 2008 and early 2009.

In the Fall of 2008, I got really depressed. I wasn't doing well at all and barely every wanted to leave my room. Moving into Winter, Caitlin and I broke up, and I hit an all-time low. It was this time though, where I did a lot of thinking, and since then I've changed quite a bit, realizing that I wasn't being who I wanted to be. During January I picked myself up.

I went to sleep reasonably early, and woke up with the sun, everyday. I made a healthy breakfast, grabbed a book and read at a coffee shop every morning. During the afternoons I'd go all about the city applying for jobs, and adventuring. It didn't matter that I was alone at this point, and it was actually refreshing in a way.

It was because of this small new lease on life, that I realized all of my conflict with Ben was irrelevant.

During early 2009, a ran into him every so often in Chilliwack, due to FNM, but I was too afraid to say anything to him. I was positive that he never wanted to talk to me still, so I failed to act. Same thing with emailing him, I've kinda wanted to since January, but always failed to meet the confidence level to do so.

Anyways, let's get to the present day.

Today was fucking hot out. I went out with Jon for a while, and on my way back I decided to stop in the Blockbuster beside my apartment to rent an old martial arts movie, and cool down.

I walked in, turned the corner to go upstairs, and in front of me stood Ben.

What the Hell are the Chances?

We exchanged greetings, and talked for a little bit. He just moved to Richmond, and is currently looking for a job. He said he'd Facebook me, so I guess we'll probably end up exchanging a few words there. I sorta hope to be able to talk to him again in person.

One thing though, is that even now, most of my friends still despise Ben. I can't even fathom the reactions they'd give me after reading this, or if I were to become friends with him again. I remember while talking about Ben I told Jason that I want to talk to Ben again, that it's all just bullshit we should all put behind us. Haven't told anyone else though, but now things are very apparant.

It'd be hard to understand for a few people, that I don't and never could sincerely hate Ben. The fact is, I considered him family. I would go home from school and he would already be in my basement, waiting. He was the only friend I had that would just walk into my house. My parents didn't care, they wanted him to feel like it was his home too, telling him to help himself to food whenever.. Even if I wasn't home, haha. He was a better and closer brother to me(Let alone friend), than my actual brothers(And actual friends), and that I can't forget.

For all of my actions to him, I am regretful. And I hope to make amends.